Friday, May 6, 2011

My Twilight Sleep

   Everything is so much greener now. Looking out the window of my kitchen, bright green trees overlap each other, soaking in the sunlight. I thought about this today as we read a poem about summer and a poem about December in language arts. It compared fallen leaves to cornflakes and snow as sugar. I'll never eat my cereal the same way.
   I had my injections done. I was excited as we pulled up to the hospital but nervous and slightly anxious. An IV was placed into my hand (ouch!) and they covered my legs with some orangish-brownish stuff before they sedated me. It was conscious sedation, and let me tell you, I felt those needles. I have two red dots on my ankles and three on one knee and two on the other. I don't really like to think about the fact that they went deep into my joint and I watched it happen. So I guess it was somewhat traumatic. Still, I was bubbling over with hope. One of the nurses (or maybe one of the anesthesiologists?) taught me how to make my breathing line change by taking different types of breaths, so I had fun with that and monitoring my heart and blood oxygen levels. 
   I was very slow to wake up from my 'twilight sleep'. My friend Amelia would tell you that I was probably in a daze. That has been happening a lot lately. I'm just kind of out of it, just daydreaming. Amelia gets the biggest kick out of it; I always snap back to her laughing and smiling, which, in turn, makes my day better. Luv ya, Amelia!
   When I woke up, I was crying. My parents later informed me that the first words I said were, "I felt it,". I can believe that. 
   So far, the injections haven't really done anything, at least not with the pain. But results vary, and my pediatric rheumatologist said that it may take a few weeks. So I'll be patient. 
   My arthritis has been awful since the injections. At least, the pain has been awful. Maybe it's because I switched off the medication that made my stomach hurt? The soreness from the injections has passed, but they still hurt a lot. It is very frustrating, as I was hoping for quicker results. I will remain patient though. I admit to being scared. Scared about what will happen if the injections do not work for my pain. At this point though, the weekly Methotrexate shot/ oral steroids will be nothing compared to arthritis pain. I still have my biggest flare-ups during science. After all the walking around of the day, I start to really feel the effects. They always hurt, but it is most definitely worst in science. Late science-mid first elective, really. As much as I try to hold back tears, they escape like little prisoners breaking free. I think they are sometimes the only outward sign of my pain. I think people have found it hard to believe that even when I'm laughing, smiling, and having a great time I feel like collapsing. Always. Anyway, I do not want to cry mostly because I want to walk down the hallway without teachers and other students stopping me to try to intervene. Of course, everyone has beautiful intentions. Also, my tears are abnormally cold (well, at least I think they're colder than normal tears) and I do not like anything that involves cold and wet except rainy winter days. I do love rain, I love it even more than sunshine, but it makes my arthritis worse. I guess I'll have to wear a space suit next time I feel like splashing in puddles and making my hair curly.
   My would-be math teacher (it's complicated) and social studies teacher stopped me in the hallway the other day, witnessing my tears and hoping to help. They offered to let me stay in their classrooms, take my stuff, etc., but I refused. Now I know I'm stubborn, but this wasn't really a stubborn issue (at first). This was me wanting to be able to walk down the hallway, carrying my own stuff, feeling "normal". My would-be math teacher tried to take my lunch box for me, but I entwined in with my arm and kept the firmest grip possible with arthritic fingers on it. (I guess that's where my stubborn qualities came in.) Finally, she settled on just walking me to class. 
   I haven't seen Stacie in over a month, and - no joke - I am going absolutely crazy. I need her. We're like sisters. I also miss the other patient, Philina. The three of us laugh for what seems like eternity but ends in a moment. Six days until I see her again! May 12th will probably be one of the best days of my life!
   I have the urge to run. I sincerely hope to get there soon.
   I have always thought that the best type of literature is the type that doesn't end. The type that you can apply to your life, create your own ending to, and use as soil as you sprout. Literature that leaves thoughts unspoken, ideas hushed, voices quieted, yet understandable if one thinks hard enough. So I hope that my blog does exactly that. Leaves open lessons, thoughts, and ideas without a clear blueprint. 



  1. Sorry everyone! I didn't realize how long this was!

  2. thats really long......but i hope you get better!

  3. you should become a writer,rachel... you're pretty good :) (whereas Joey sucks at writing)

  4. Ikr!! Racheal! dont u get tired of righting sso much! well unless it was a grade :)...and lol Izzy! but i think Joey is a good writer (so far) cause i read his interesting story on the sharks bulletin board thingy! sso yaa!

  5. Rachel in Ms. Scruggs class you really do just go into a daze like your staring at nothing, Did you ever figure out why the extra dot was there?




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