Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Superhero

     I have honestly decided that I am going to be a superhero. This could be the stupidest thing that I've ever done, but hey, why not at least give it a try. I am refusing to give up on the small things and I will not let go of my detail-oriented tendencies. I am going to be me without arthritis, except with arthritis. It sounds stupid, but it needs to happen. I'm tired of being me with arthritis.
      I will manage my schedule like a pro. I will not fatigue, even pumped full of methotrexate on Saturday nights and Sundays. I am going to be a superhero. I will not live like a parasite, accepting the help of others because my body is not good enough on my own.
       My new water therapist and her student were not so impressed with my knees at my last appointment on Friday. I really underestimated how hard it was going to be to walk back in forth in the water, and my knee had been killing me all day. Physical therapy is a process that makes me feel completely picked over. "Do you always turn your feet inwards when you walk?" the student asked me.
       "I don't know," I answered honestly, "My last physical therapist mentioned that too."
       "Try to keep your hips and back straight, you're compensating for your right knee."
       "I'm trying," I pleaded.
       "Is that knee really hurting you today?" Bingo!!!!!! We finally had some understanding. I don't know for the life of me why I didn't tell her that it was hurting in the first place. I did that with my last physical therapist too, where I would just barely talk and answer all of her questions with 'yes' or 'no'. She would keep on pushing me and challenging me because she thought I wasn't experiencing too much pain and then I would just break and end up in too much pain and tears to continue on. Anyway, the student in the pool stretched my knee, and I was told that my muscles are tight for about the 800th time in my life. She also said that my knee felt a little swollen. Luckily, she changed the therapy for the day so that it wouldn't add extra pressure or pain to my knee. I had another physical therapy appointment Monday and a doctor's appointment today which I won't even go into.
         At my water therapy appointment, I also discovered that the PT student watches The Bachelor. I cannot even tell you how much I love and appreciate that quality show as well as anyone who watches it. I've gotten to the point where I'll ask my teachers if they watch The Bachelor. It is becoming a problem.
         One of the things I don't like about using accommodations is that I feel like I am just covering up the problem. Nothing is being fixed and my joints aren't being helped. I am only compensating for everything I can't do. But I don't want the world to change. I want everything to stay the same and me to change. Accepting accommodations, and really help in general, makes me feel like I am giving up.
         I hate stairs with a passion. I give thanks every day that there is an elevator in my school and I possess the key. Stairs are the WORST. I hate them because they hurt, but other than that I actually like taking the stairs. If my arthritis isn't flaring too much at school I will gladly go up the stairs instead (though that doesn't happen often). Per usual, my whiny self hates being different. This ties right in with me wanting my joints to change and not the world. I don't want other people to work harder or take precious time out of their days. I feel like my joints should just get better and be independent. And I don't know how not to feel that, if it is indeed a somewhat destructive feeling as many say it is. Am I not supposed to want my joints to get better? I always will.
         I've seen a lot of doctors and therapist lately, as you've probably already realized from this post. One of the things I hate about doctors is their complete inability to put two and two together. Say a disease has symptoms that are A, B, C, and D. Now say a patient has A, B, and D. Just because we they are missing C doesn't mean that they cannot have the disease, especially with autoimmune diseases. Most of autoimmune diseases is still a mystery. Therefore we cannot rule out something so unknown by little tests that don't give us concrete results.
         Actually, I hate it when people in general are unable to put two and two together. When you are trying to find a reason for something, you have to figure out what everything ties back to. Doesn't there have to be a reason for everything? I don't really believe in weird chances and coincidences and things like that. So if there has to be a reason, you have to find a common factor. And that is NOT the hardest thing in the world.
          This week, I am especially thankful for having a teacher who understands autoimmune disease. However, I would rather this person not understand at all. I would much rather have an ignorant, rude teacher than a teacher who has to deal with an autoimmune disease. I just don't want anyone to have to feel pain.
           I just want [us] to be okay, be okay, be okay. I just want [us] to be okay today.

Love,
Rachel

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Feel free to comment or shoot me an email - thekidwitharthritis@gmail.com I'll try to get back to you either way!