"It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song,
You can't believe it, you were always singing along.
It was so easy, and the words so sweet,
You can't remember, you try to feel the beat."
I just found Regina Spektor's song "Eet" a few weeks ago, but I can confidently say that it is one of the best songs I have ever heard in my life. It isn't thought to be a particularly sad or depressing song, but I find it tragic. To me, it's one of the saddest songs I've ever heard. I'm not even going to try to lie; I teared up the first time I heard it. The lyrics encompass so many different things.
Since I am basing this blog post off of the song, it would probably be beneficial for you to listen to it first. If you don't listen all the way through, then shame on you, because it is absolutely beautiful.
This song, at least to me, is about change. Something that changes so drastically that you can barely remember how it felt before. I was different before all of this set in and flipped my life around. It's like when I try to remember how it felt to run around freely with my friends, or play games in the gym at school. For a long time, that was my "favorite song". No matter what happened during the day at school, when my friends and I had our short recess break in middle school we ran a mile. Consistency is what gives us our favorite song. I was so used to singing it, so used to it that I failed to realize how much I loved it.
However, when much of my physical ability was torn away from me it became harder and harder to sing the words. And whenever someone else sings the song, in this case runs around and participates, I feel horribly alone and left out because that used to be my favorite song, too. Now I've forgotten the words.
I don't remember exactly how it felt to not be in constant pain. I lay awake many, many nights trying to "feel the beat" because I just can't believe that I can't quite remember. Of course, one of the biggest questions in my life is whether or not I will ever be able to remember the lyrics. Will I ever be able to run and jump and dash up the stairs again? Or is that song forever lost? Do I need to pick a new favorite song? I sure don't want to. I don't want to let go of the old one.
I don't want to let go.
I wish I could sit here and write that I have finally achieved remission. But I haven't. Right now, I'm not on an uphill track with my arthritis. So far, none of the chemicals they've forced into my body have helped me remember more than a few lyrics. However, I am hopeful that things are going to get better. They either get better or worse or stay the same, and I don't see any reason why they shouldn't just get better.
Every time something big happens in our lives, we think back to our "favorite song", or how things were before. No one warned me that I would be forgetting the lyrics. No one gave me a heads up. Above all, "Eet" reminds me that most things in my life will go from being a reality to a memory. The experiences I have, the people I know, even things like my health that I didn't expect to go so quickly. It's all here one day and the next only a memory.